I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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