I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
