Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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