Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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