she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
