So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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