I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
