We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Randomize
