I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
