I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
as a side note pls kill me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
