I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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