i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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