May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
