all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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