Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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