Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
