On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Your dad touched me again.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
