she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Are we still banned from the library?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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