She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
