just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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