history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
