guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
