They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
