I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
