Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
