I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Mom said you looked used
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
