I just threw up on my dentist
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
