I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
