its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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