Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
