college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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