i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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