her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
