after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
