so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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