Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
