and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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