i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
