Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
