I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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