New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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