I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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