I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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