I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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