I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
