phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
