i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
