So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this boner is exhausting
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
