life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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