So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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